This post was contributed by a community member. The views expressed here are the author's own.

Health & Fitness

Is That So?

Considering the potential effects of gossip.

One of the many heartbreaking events in life is divorce. The years of challenges, of attempts to save a failing marriage, of perpetual failures to do so... the pain from miscommunications, from hurts caused but not intended, and from escalating conflicts and intensified alienation, are quite enough to overwhelm any human being.

Add to this the mental challenges of coming to this huge decision-- to divorce-- and of moving through the legal and logistic steps necessary to end a long term marriage, and life becomes something of a march through a minefield. The mind and heart take a severe beating. If children are involved in all of this, magnify this by geometric proportions. Suffice it to say, few things may compare to such extended stress, pain and emotional challenge.

An odd dynamic occurs when a marraige "heads south" that I think is apparently widespread but which seems, at the same time, completely avoidable and I think it bears consideration. When two people have hit the skids, apparently discussing their situation behind their backs seems to be a good idea to many folks. This back-biting-- for the conversation, wearing whatever costume, is not often kind-- is based on hear-say for the most part. Few of us know what really goes on behind the doors of our neighbor's homes, let alone in the private reaches of their relationships. Yet many people seem quite willing to spread and to embellish the hear-say freely....even though the subjects of this rumor mongering may be people we have called our friends!

Find out what's happening in Port Washington-Saukvillewith free, real-time updates from Patch.

I don't know why this dynamic exists. Why do we find some titilation in the sufferings of other people we know? Why does this make me feel better....to dis on an aquaintance or friend, dumping my tidbits of second-hand information and ladling on big helpings of my own supposition, as if it was fact?

Humans trade rumors like some sort of mini-morality play: "This is what happens to you if you don't pay attention to your man," or, "See what animals this type of guy can be," or whatever. But the truth is, nothing is learned or gained by the gossip. It is all destructive. Even the most well intended "sharing" contains much supposition, and can be greatly misinterpreted causing huge damage to the people the story is about and to their families.

Find out what's happening in Port Washington-Saukvillewith free, real-time updates from Patch.

There is a snowballing effect with back-biting, or gossip, as we prefer to call it. As it circulates, it tends to pick up more material, to become more "juicy," to develop more dramatic scale.

I have a friend, as they say, who was divorced. His ex started stories about him to explain why he left her, the archetypal story being that he left her for another woman. The stories grew-- and the archetypal are the most effective. Many people like that story...an affair...a discovery... and then the inevitable divorce as the jerk runs off to start a new life with his lover. The problem was, this isn't what had happened. He had left his wife because the conflict in their relationship had grown to such a point that he could not survive it and because the kids were suffering deeply due to exposure to this conflict. No matter, the other story was more catchy... and soon it spread.

His faith community heard the story and he was ostracized by the people who's love he had enjoyed for years and whom he had done his best to serve. No one said anything directly, but he was not asked to participate in the events and classes he had long been part of, people's smiles were colder, and, in a gathering, few came to him to say hello. Only one or two asked him seriously how he was doing while, at the same time, many knew he had to be going through horrible times.

Couple-friends, many of them long term friends, evidently felt they had to choose between him and his wife, and most chose her as she told them her story and came off as a victim of neglect and betrayal. The stories spread. People he had known for so many years now avoided him. Even in his workplace, things changed where the rumors had been spread.

My friend's story is pretty typical. My point in telling it is to suggest that these "minor" little bits of gossip can have huge destructive effects as they develop and grow and gather force. And all of these rumors were based on hear say. No one ever asked him if he had left his wife for another woman, or to what extent the stories they heard were founded on fact.

The net effect was heaping stones on a man who was already drowning in pain. Losing such an important relationship, his home, half of the placement of his children... having to find new work to make ends meet, moving, etc., would be quite enough, so being ostracized by his "spiritual" community and deserted by friends was serious overkill that was completely unnecessary. The man had a huge and protracted battle with despair as he tried to survive these years and these events. Another man might have given up.

There is a Buddhist tale about a monk who was accused by a local woman of fathering the child she was carrying. He was kicked out of the monastery, shunned by people who had respected him, and ended up taking the child under his care. When charged with the "crime," he only said, calmly, "Is this so?" Some years later the woman confessed to fabricating the story and demanded to have the child she had abandoned back. When she came to take the child, insisting on her rights although acknowledging her lie, he handed the child to her and restated, "Is this so?"

The truth in any matter-- much more so truths concerning the dynamics of intimate relationships, why they work, why they deteriorate, or why they fall apart-- is not easy to approach, and our opinions are just that: stories we tell ourselves. When these stories are spread as though they were concrete facts, we may all well stand back and ask... "Is that so?"

So much unnecessary suffering could be avoided if we would refrain from talking about others behind thier backs. Maybe we should be less convinced of the omniscience of our own views and spend a bit of time thinking before we "share" with others about those who are experiencing misfortune in their lives.

We’ve removed the ability to reply as we work to make improvements. Learn more here

The views expressed in this post are the author's own. Want to post on Patch?

More from Port Washington-Saukville