From a New Father, to New Fathers-To-Be

I'm completely new at this. In fact, my experience as a parent is now a total of 11 days and some hours. But I consider myself to be pretty good at seeing things as they are and maybe, just maybe, giving a heads-up to those that follow a similar path. So here are some of the tips and observations for new fathers that I've figured out over the last 11 days.

1 - When a woman is 39 weeks pregnant and complains of constipation, it's probably not constipation.

2 - If your obstetrician has a "magic exam," believe her. Also, don't let the OB try that exam when she is off the next couple of days.

3 - No matter how many drugs they give your wife, you aren't safe to catch a nap while she's out sleeping. She's not out. She's in labor. She is not going to sleep until the labor is over.

4 - Not all labor is the same as all other labor. If you think "this isn't so bad," wait until she has to push. Then you'll be lucky if the worst you get is "Don't touch me!"

5 - Pain still gets through the epidural.

6 - There will be blood. I know they tell you there will be blood, but seriously, there will be blood. And scissors and cutting and suction machines and the like. This isn't a very clean process. The doctor actually puts on a face shield. Make sure your clothes are easy to clean.

7 - Babies don't turn pink before they breathe. They are misshapen, a weird color, and bloody. But they blink and move. Before that first breath, babies are scarier-looking than any monster in a movie before 1995 (special effects got really good about then). And their heads might just be the shape of the alien skulls in the fourth Indiana Jones movie.

8 - After that first breath, you want a camera. You have one shot to get pictures of things your wife will never otherwise get to see while they keep working on her. On the flip side, those first few moments might just be yours with the baby and yours alone.

9 - The nurses can do their thing with the baby even if the baby is grabbing on to your finger. And you'll want the baby doing that.

10 - Whatever your wife said to you during the pushing stage of labor, she probably won't remember it with a baby in her arms.  You shouldn't either.

11 - You'll probably be in the hospital a couple of days. Which means you'll go through three to four shift changes. Each nurse will have a different style and probably act as though it is the only way to do things. The only way to keep things sane is ask every nurse what she is doing and why. It may teach you some things you didn't know, or it may give you a baseline to hold the nurses to some consistency.

12 - Be prepared for every person you talk to about your parenting to become a judgmental jerk. Most people will be absolutely fantastic, but you will be surprised at how divisive your parenting choices will be to some.

13 - If you're going to keep score on diaper changes (which, by the way, you WILL lose), start keeping score right away while your wife is down. She will be pretty beat up for a bit, and probably won't get out of the bed much.

14 - There is actually a career path called "Lactation Specialist."

15 - If grandparents are in the room, no one else gets to hold the baby. Period. For fun, you can have both sets of grandparents in the room at the same time and let them duke it out (in that case, bet on the set that is newest to the grandparent thing).

16 - All of those foods your wife missed because she wasn't supposed to eat them while pregnant, she may not even want them anymore.

17 - Pack the nursing bra. Your wife probably will never even think to pack a nursing bra for the hospital.

18 - At some point, you may have to suck it up and buy a whole grocery cart of the least manly things possible from the feminine products aisle (possibly including a nursing bra). She'll probably need a lot of those things in the next few days and chances are that she won't be going out on her own too much.

19 - The hospital is your best starting source for diapers, wipes, receiving blankets, baby bottles, and anything else that they've already charged you for.

20 - If you make the choice to go with formula feeding, you will be treated by many as a second-class citizen, no matter your reasons.

21 - A father's pinky finger is more calming and, apparently more comfortable, than any pacifier. Never underestimate it. But, never forget to wash it first - your wife will be watching.

22 - When you leave the hospital, you will be going to your pediatrician within 72 hours of the birth. They say it is for testing and screening the baby, but I'm pretty sure it's to make sure the kid has survived. If you pass that test, they'll give you another two weeks.

23 - Six hours of sleep is still six hours of sleep - even if it's three hours at night and three more around noon.

24 - Despite #23, find some way to let your wife get six straight hours of sleep.

25 - Whatever you thought nesting was before the baby was born, hold on. You're in for a lesson.

26 - When dressing a baby, sometimes it makes sense to put the feet through the neck and dress the baby from the bottom up. Babies have pretty big (relatively) heads.

27 - Changing diapers should be a speed drill - like changing tires on a NASCAR car. If you take too long between removing one diaper and replacing it with the next, you may have some laundry to worry about.

28 - Babies tend to eat better in just a diaper and a bib. Okay, maybe not, but they are SO much easier to clean up afterwards.

29 - Infant formula, as far as I can tell, is safe for dogs.

30 - A Pack N Play is probably one of the best investments possible for babies. For now, it's like having a crib on wheels that can follow you around the house with the future benefit of being a play area that does the same.

31 - You will never swaddle like the nurses do. They're professionals. You're just a new dad.

32 - Kitchen table, changing table... at 2 a.m., neither you nor the baby really cares. But, be sure to have some type of cleaning wipe, just in case your wife cares at 6 a.m.

33 - Even at only a few days old, even with closed eyes and sleeping, babies aren't the biggest fans of war movies.

34 - The umbilical cord quite literally falls off. No warning at all, just "What the hell was that?" and you see it on the floor.

35 - Not all newborn clothes are created equally. Although I think socks are, and not in a good way.

36 - Your car seat probably does fit in that area of a shopping cart where children sit. The car seat people thought of that and put little ridges for you. You don't HAVE to put it inside of the cart and hope the baby can hold a box of cereal or two.

37 - No matter how tempting it might be to wallpaper facebook with photos, social media goes far beyond your own control. Be mindful of your privacy settings.

38 - If all grandparents aren't on every mailing list for photos that exists, there will be consequences. Serious consequences.

39 - Babies like television, computer games, vacuuming, doing dishes, or anything else that you can figure out how to do while holding them.

40 - With a small enough child, you can effectively recreate the Heisman trophy in your living room. Or the scene from the Lion King.

41 - As a new parent, you're somehow in "the club." That club exists. You now have a bond with other dads stronger than just sports or whatever other interests you happen to be into.

42 - Buy your wife some jewelry, if you can, when you get home.  Or at least something she really, really likes.  Sure, technically it's the baby's birthday, but your baby won't remember it, and your wife did the most work.

43 - Your kid is different than any other kid out there. Ever. You'll figure out how, and you'll probably figure it out fairly quickly.